she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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