I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
