my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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