You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
