Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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