I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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