If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
