oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
