I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
