rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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