Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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