I wish my penis had an off switch
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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