I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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