On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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