you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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