Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
