from now on my penis is your penis
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
