can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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