I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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