I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
