Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
