I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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