I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
