This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize