so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize