I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
