If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
