after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
