so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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