It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He's on the porch naked. Help.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
