Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I deserve this hangover.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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