I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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