My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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