the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
