I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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