The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
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