WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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