so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
