I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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