my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
