I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
