Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
