I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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