I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Randomize
