Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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