I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
