It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
