In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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