I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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