If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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