WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
