It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
