I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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