I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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