guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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