Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
