Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
