I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
